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Monday, August 23, 2010

Being John- Early Morning

Since you know why my name is John (i.e. after reading the world's longest article on the shortest name here), I thought it would be a good idea to introduce you to the real me and show you what it means to be John.

Let us start with the daily routine, what does John do from the moment he wakes till the moment he goes bed, Shall we?

Daily Routine : Wake up (6:30AM to 8:00AM)

Contrary to popular belief, My waking up is not an event, it's a process similar to a Satellite Launch. It has T-3 stages and each stage is separated from the other by an alarm. I have three alarms on my iPhone at 6:30, at 7:30 and at 8:00 on weekdays.

You might ask me why three alarms? Well, they are not just redundant alarms but each alarm has a purpose as you will learn. When the 6:30 alarm rings and starts the Stage 1, it does a deserving job of destroying my idiotic dreams and reminds me that it is a weekday (i.e. I actually have to drag my ass to work). As soon as it rings, I struggle to find my phone and turn in off and in that struggle I transfer myself into a lucid dreamy state. Translation : I pause the dream for a sec to turn off the alarm and resume it where I left off but this time I control them - if there is something I do not like about them, I start to change it now. For e.g. If there is Brunette, I change her to Blonde. You get the idea right? ;) I am such a control freak that I try to control even my dreams. If it was up to me, I'd like to control my Manager Lori's dreams too.

Why Lori?
Ans: Two Reasons
1. She's my boss and Thou shalt suck up to Thy Boss (First commandment of every employee).
2. She asked me to blog about her the other day so here's a blog about you Lori. Happy now? Where's my BIG BONUS? I need it RIGHT NOW! (BTW, she reads my blog so this is totally gonna work or I'll be out of work - only time can tell!)

This joy ride goes on while I prepare myself for the next stage of this journey when the alarm at 7:30 AM. And when the 7:30 one rings, I struggle to end my dream and hit the Cancel button. At this point I am almost 40% awake.

Quick question : What does a Geek do as soon as he wakes up?
Answer : He checks his mail and Facebook (i.e. if he has a virtual social life)

Since I am a Super Geek, I check my mail even before I am awake enough to realize that I have drooled so much that my pillow is soaking wet. (I am only kidding, am I?)

Anyways, I pull up the mail client on my iPhone 4. I specifically mentioned iPhone 4 coz I am so damn proud of purchasing this piece of shit after standing in a really long queue for 8 long hours on a work day. People keep telling me to return it if I hate it so much but I fail to understand why. Sure, I hate it. Sure, it drops calls, Sure, it crashes apps. Sure, it has connectivity problems. But its from APPLE and I love APPLE. This one reason beats all those arguments - doesn't it?

Thanks to Nagesh Puli for sharing this video that explains perfectly how I feel about iPhone. FYI, If you haven't figured it out - I am the retard in the video. :)

Ok getting back to the story, I check my mail with eyes half shut ( when I say mail, I mean all my 6 mail accounts and all the folders in each of them including SPAM/JUNK/BULK).

There's an alias (i.e. a backup account) for each mail provider as you can see. If you are wondering why this madness, let me put your mind at rest. I am the type of guy who buys two tickets even when I am travelling alone coz I am afraid I will lose one. Imagine what a mess I would be if I was on a roundtrip coz it will be four tickets even when I am the only traveller. :)

Anyways, if there is an important email, I read it again after reading everything else. If something requires my input - then I reply but only after saving it a million times while I draft it. To give you an idea on the kind of serious mail I receive, let me name a few of my frequent email associates, the list includes big names in every industry - Macys, Amazon, ebay, GAP, Levis, Dockers, Java Ranch, Citibank and Bank of America with all the offers in the world. I am a proud recipient of all the spam that they ever sent out. (Yes, I do know that they provide a 'Unsubscribe' link in each of those emails but who has the time to click it right? Besides, if I stop this spam - I might have to wait for days to get real emails from real people. I dont know if I have that kind of patience and I might give in and start spamming all my 1000+ gmail contacts asking for emails)

Here's are some emails that I receive almost every day:
Exhibit #1:

I would have totally missed out on Champion Underwear if it wasn't for this spam from Macys. Thank God!

Exhibit #2:

Did you read that? 10% off on Kids and Baby styles - Oh My God! I gotta rush to the store RIGHT NOW! Wait, I don't have any kids! (Maybe I did in that dream a minute ago but that does not count, does it?)

Exhibit #3:

The funny part about the above email from Citibank is that I keep getting these emails asking to sign up for an account that I already hold with them for the past 2 years. Failing to understand the logic behind it, I think I have signed up for all their different types of accounts NRO/NRE/Savings/Current etc but nothing seems to stop these welcome emails. :)

Once I am done with knowing what kind of offers we have in Macys, GAP and Dockers - it's time to move on to know what my friends are up to. So, I log in to facebook - and here are some intriguing updates that I get from my network.

You can see how useful it is to know what my friend Prasad Kolapalli thinks of his profile picture or about the opposite sex. I have a million more similar updates to skim through before I can see any real news on my Facebook network. Even that amount of spam cannot stop me from doing this daily. I do this every day from 7:30 AM to 8:00AM until the alarm rings again.

This is the Final Alarm and I must getup now. I have to get ready for work. As you can see, my waking up process is similar to a Satellite Launch - it has T-3 stages and each stage plays a significant role and is required for the next stage to be successful.

to be continued.....
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